Are You Sure It's Heroin?

Nowadays, you don't see a lot a drug busts on TV cop shows and in the movies. Not like the 70s or 80s. Inevitably, once the bad guys were all subdued (i.e., killed in slow motion), a detective would walk up to the assembled crates that were being loaded onto the private plane headed for parts unknown, remove a switchblade from his Robert Hall sportcoat, flick it open, stab a big-ass bag of white powder, poke his finger in said bag and taste a bit of the powder, always being sure to spit it out immediately lest he become a raging junkie. "Yep, it's smack alright."

Now here we come to the crux of my complaint with said 70s/80s TV/movie detective. DO YOU HAVE TO TASTE THE HEROIN TO KNOW IT'S HEROIN?? Let's recap... you drive into an abandoned warehouse at 70 MPH, being sure to smash through the front gate. Several men with automatic weapons try to kill you. SIDE NOTE: To all bad guys with really high-tech automatic weapons-- maybe you would actually hit your target if you weren't wearing mirrored sunglasses inside an abandoned warehouse.

So... smash through gate, kill sunglasses-wearing henchmen, expend many, many rounds of ammunition... it damn well better be heroin!!! Wouldn't you be embarrassed if that shit was powdered sugar? Or instant milk being flown to starving African babies?? Of course it's heroin, idiot.

And shave off that stupid, drooping Frito-Bandito moustache. Trust me, it DOESN'T make you look like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit.

Cornering The Market

What causes an ethnic group to corner the market on some totally incongruous area of local business? I first noticed this when almost every H. Salt Fish & Chip shop in the greater Los Angeles area was run by an overworked Vietnamese couple. This hardly made sense as the British, as far as I know, had little or no presence in Vietnam. In Seattle, you will find many Sikh men working at car rental counters at Sea-Tac airport. Granted, the Avis royal red or Hertz cadmium yellow blazer looks great with a full beard and turban, but, really, WTF? Do they tell each other about the wonderful perks? "Sanjay, you can upgrade from compact to midsize and still get unlimited mileage. This is a very economical move." As a side note, the Sea-Tac parking structure is maddeningly symmetrical, making it far easier to misplace your car. And it's no good using a Sikh parking valet as a reference marker. Beard, turban, Avis blazer... it all blends together. And in Austin, every cab driver I met during my short visit was African. Notice I didn't say "African-American," but "African." And these are not engineering students from the local university making some extra rave party money. These are grown-ass men. What a quantum leap from eking out a living in your village and fighting off power-mad militia soldiers to driving visiting Asian businessmen around Austin looking for the perfect barbecue. I'm waiting for Uzbekestani immigrants to corner the market on Mexican ice cream carts.